Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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