my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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