At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
