Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
How does it feel to date your dad?
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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