the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
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