i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
