how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
