On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize