Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
