Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
