Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize