i permit you to call me
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
