I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
