i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I find it funny that "sexual harassment" contains the phrase "ass sex". Let me know what your thoughts are on the matter.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
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