it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Randomize
