Quick, to the slutcave!
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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