i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
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