I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
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