Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
