I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
