Fine. I'll sleep in my office
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
