Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
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