You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize