i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
