I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Randomize
