6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
