Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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