On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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