dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize