I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
