we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
