he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize