I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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