I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
