ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
