There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
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