I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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