Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
