I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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