Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
we made out on top of his cat.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
