Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Randomize
