have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize
