we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
