dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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