dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
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