Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
