So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
did you just send me my own nude
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize