Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
BRING THE BAGELS
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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