dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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