Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Randomize