Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Randomize
