just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize
