I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
