Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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