Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
