his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
