I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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