I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
