I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Randomize
