He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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