now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
